Walk a mile in my shoes........

I have been trying to think of a way to celebrate the 2nd anniversary of my time on Newsvine (not until September). Yet for the last couple months (since mid-March) I have not been on here all that much. Part of which has to do with changes in my job. Most of which has to do with change.

Don't get me wrong....

............I miss Newsvine like hell

Especially at work. It was a way to fill in time where all I needed to do was keep an eye on the system. Our offices moved into a new building and my "station" is now in a fish bowl where anyone (especially bosses) can see what you are doing. Not only that, but my back is to the "windows" and they can see what is on my computer screen.

Just a little example of how the situation is:

I have been staying off Newsvine and Facebook (no Internet at all), but decided 1/2 hour before end of shift to play Spider Solitaire. Borring, mindless, yet keeps my fingers busy. I was also watching the system and my email for any issues. My boss came in and told me that I had been on the game too long because someone complained to him. I was pissed. The truth, I was doing my job by staying alert.

I bit back most of my dragon's tongue.....most of it.

So why would I stay there?

The Gym.

As some of my friends here know, I am a large (obese) woman. Not mincing words; at my largest, I weighed 380 lbs. It is not the number 380, it is the 20 lbs. The 20 more lbs before I break 400. In all my life as a fat woman, all the things I never gave a damn about while waiting for the death promised us fatties, finally something scared the @!$%# out of me. 400lbs. Just 20 lbs away. And I am @!$%#ing sick and tired of the pills I have to take for diabetes.

One time, before diagnosis, I dropped 80lbs. I went from 340 to 260. I nearly cried looking at the scale when it went below 300. I had not seen that since my 2nd year in college, in 1987. Most students put on the "freshman 15". I who graduated high school at 250 lbs, discovered the freshman 50, and it steadily progressed from there.

You don't really notice the changes. One day you look down and say "How? I don't feel that much bigger than before". Then you look in a reflection in a darkened window, and say "Holly @!$%#.... Is that my ass... and another....and another????". So I simply dropped many condiments like, butter, mayo, and pretty much anything with lots of fat in it. I never worked out. I dropped 80lbs. And yes I nearly cried looking at the drop below 300, and again I asked "How?" When I looked down, all I saw was the massive stomach blocking the view of my feet.

That @!$%#ing scale lies!!!! It is some kind of cruel joke!!!! WTF!!!!!!

Then I leave a bathroom stall, wash my hands, and start to walk out of the bathroom at work. I gaze over at that big ass mirror, and say out loud "Where the hell did my ass go!!!"

• Yes sitting on the bus felt different.
• Yes I had a little bit more energy.

But where the hell did my mushy tushy go???????

Well I went home the next morning (I worked 3rd shift), took off my clothes and looked in the mirror again......

Oh.....

My ass fell between my legs. Wiggle and watch the skin shimmer...... damn!

Skin is unforgiving.

It does not understand the struggle you go through to right the wrongs you made for so many years.

Here is the thing. I decided to use foods like bread sticks, yogurt, fruit juices instead of Mountain Dew, Jolt, and high fats to keep me going at night. That was until I got sick again. As a child I never had ear infections. For a few years since first working as a cashier, I began yearly bouts of bronchitis, sinus infections, and ear infections. I had no insurance and relied on the doctor at the work site for a prescription, rather than spend another $425.00 to go to the ER. Not this time. This time, Doc-in-the-Box said no. I did finally get insurance. So I had to see a doctor for the first time in over 15 years. He ran a blood glucose test. It was 333. I was diagnosed.

How much did I change?

Not much. Oh I stopped anything at face value "too sweet". But like throughout my life, I have had no schedule. I ate few moments and until I could burst.... or felt like sleeping. I grew up poor and the one thing in abundance to the poor is starch. Starch turns to sugar.

But everything we ate for dinner included starches. Potatoes, spaghetti, rice, pasta, pasta, and oh yes mac-n-cheese. We had the "welfare" cheese. So all was covered in cheese.

I also discovered hidden sugars in food pandered to the "weight loosing" community. Yogurt filled with HFCS (High Fructose Corn Syrup).

I can not tell you how much I hate those @!$%#ing commercials promoting this @!$%# lately.

Who wants to eat yogart? Why are our foods so screwed around with? If it is not stuffed with HFCS, it is stuffed with Soy. How can we regulate what we eat, when we don't know what is hidden in it? How can we take responsibility for ourselves, when it is taken from us?

But if I am being honest, much of my issue has been with me.

We still eat starches.... WE. I can not change my family.

But......

How does one change them self? It is pretty hard, and no one makes it easy. My doctor is trying to shove the Gastric Bypass down my throat. I know when I shed over 200lbs, I will need surgery to remove all the unforgiving skin. Can a body take that many surgical procedures? Especially when I am diabetic.

• Why do doctors now a days give up on people?
• Do they get a commission for each one of these bypasses?
• Do people change their habits when they have this procedure?

Not really.... and I have heard about deaths.

I want to live. That comes as a surprise to me who has made her bed on the sideline of life. I want to really live, and not really survive. Survival is surprisingly easy. I have been doing that since my father broke my heart.

I don't know if he is still alive.... I haven't been.

So now life and my job has presented me an option. They set up a full fitness center and my job moved 1.25 miles from my home. I walked to and from work the first day. It hurt like hell. The gym costs me $5 dollars a month (1.25 dollars a week) out of my check! How could I say no.

I have never before walked on a treadmill. I called it the walking machine....LOL =}

I held on to the bar for dear life as the gym assistant adjusted the setting to 1. I looked too fast, so she set it at .5 .....LMAO =}

I tried the Elliptical. Hella no! My legs are not strong enough. I hired the trainer at $25 each session. I have only had one session with her, but I was given a list of routines. Seriously, me working out routines. Counting out 2 sets of 20.

I currently foot press 160 lbs, shoulder press 8lb dumb bells. work 60 lb abdominal, 70 lb back extensions, among other things. Oh yes, I still walk to work. Not every day. Some days I have to carry a lot of things and I take the bus most of the way. But on 90 deg + days I have been walking to work. After 30 to 35 minutes I walk into air conditioning covered in sweat. Drink water. Then I work out with the weights for 20 to 25 minutes. Then hit the showers. Yes my job has showers.

I have also gone down to 365lbs (today).

It makes me want to pick that @!$%#ing scale up and shake it. I have been working out nearly every day for over 2 months. Maybe I am trading muscle for fat, but it is frustrating.

Ok, I sometimes have pizza for lunch (one slice... maybe 2), I had a smoothie yesterday.

What is depressing is my sugar has gone out of control again.... surprised?

I know there are many more changes I need to make. Namely intake. That is difficult when you live with others unwilling to change. I wake up in the morning with over 200 blood sugar. I know it is from carbs at night.... and changes with medication.

Most of the time I eat better than I ever had. There are these periodic moments of stress or changes in work s

It may sound like a bunch of excuses, but spend a day in my skin.

Walk a mile (and a quarter) in my shoes.